A Fairy Tale
by figsixment
Summary: Alternate fairy tales


One night I sat down to read my daughter a fairytale. You know, start her off on the right track; feeding her all the pretty ideas and fallacies that my mother fed me with. All that crap about the perfect woman finding the perfect man, and having perfect lives. People aren't as one dimensional as the characters of those stories; people don't fall in love with someone after one chance meeting.

It's funny that all these stories are told be some omnipotent narrator that we are all supposed to trust. Do we ever hear from Cinderella or this supposedly charming prince? There must be some reason fairy tales end with no sequels; "Prince Charming" marries the princess after that it's all happily ever after. I always wondered if the princess ever realized that all the other princesses in fairytales married the same man. I wonder if she ever put it together that if every princess if after "Prince Charming", then somewhere down the line the "ever after" must not be all that happy.

My daughter asked me if fairytales could come true. I think back to my own prince charming, and suddenly the second finger from the end started digging into the flesh on my left hand. I realized then that I would do my daughter a favor and not feed her any of those stories unless I had an example to ground them into reality. Looking at the lives of all my friends and their broken marriages, I decided to tell her the only fairytale that I had known to come true.

"Honey, let me tell you a story"

If you think you are about to hear a regular fairytale, I would leave now. After a few lines you'll lose interest. Save yourself the trouble. There has to be a better fairytale somewhere. If you are looking for parenting advice, why not just buy them a G.I. Joe or a Barbie so they have a good role model. This story is just going to piss you off- after that it only gets worse.

What I am about to tell my daughter is a disgrace to the name of fairytales. This story is a stupid little fairytale about a stupid prince, a prince that no one will ever meet, and whose life has no impact on our reality. Maybe it isn't that far off from the other fairy tales.

"Once upon a time in a far away land called Kanaydeheh." _Because that's the only place a story like this could take place in reality, if one were to get technical._ "There lived a young prince named Ken" Prince is more of a title, since the land had long ago rejected the monarchy and now lived by a system of socialistic democracy. Ken was everything a prince should be: young, good looking, blonde, and non-threatening. After all, that's what they are bred for."

"Things were not all castles and white horse in Ken's world."

"Why not", my daughter cut in.

"Because he was approaching the age where the king and queen wanted him to move out and do something with his life; Ken was unsettled. This wasn't a real worry for Ken; not only was he a prince, he also went to public schools. He was guaranteed to get public assistance, it's not like his lifestyle encouraged him to have real skills. What bothered Ken is that everyone expected him to get married; Ken didn't know any cool princesses to do this with. In fact, Ken wasn't even sure he wanted to get married. When he really though about it, he didn't care for princesses either.

Ken's parents were of an older school of thought; they didn't understand their sons concerns. After all princes always married princesses and lived happily ever after. It was a tradition that lasted several generations: Ken's father, and Ken's father's father the grand king, and the great-great-grand king, and the king before him, all married princesses and lived happily ever after. Society was getting more lenient, and it wasn't like they had any real power anymore. They conceded by saying Ken could marry anyone he wanted." That is, anyone as long as they weren't ugly, and they weren't too poor, after all they did have a reputation to uphold. I thought to myself as a wry smile crossed my lips.

In celebration Ken's parents planned a huge party; it would be highly televised and publicized in all the important magazines. It had been decided that Ken would choose his mate there. At first, Ken complained that he wouldn't be able to find a mate by the end of one night, and then Ken reasoned that he would just procrastinate if he were given more time. Aside from that, if things got really bad he could always lock them up in a tower. That idea made Ken smile as he remembered his real mother, the first queen."

"Why did Ken's dad lock his mother in a tower?"

"She was a high spirited feminist" I deadpanned; what other reason could there be?

"Does that mean she was crazy?" My daughter asked innocently.

"No what makes you ask that?" I inquired, wondering where this was going.

"Daddy always uses the two together to describe you, 'your mom is a crazy feminist' or 'Hillary Clinton can't be president or those crazy feminists win'!" She said excitedly.

Figures, I mention once that it would make more sense for him to stay home with our daughter because I made more money, and now I am a crazy feminist. Next I'm going to be called a socialist because I believe that fair trade is more important than free trade.

"After all the important guests were invited, Ken complained there wasn't anyone worthy of marriage his own age. Sick of their sons whining and complaining they gave him 40 dollars and told him to make some flyers at Kinko's. They decided to let the boy invite his own guests. Ken obeyed his parents and went to Kinko's to make copies"

"Why is he making flyer's, what type of human being would respond to flyers asking for a marriage proposal", my daughter asked with a confused expression crossing her face.

"Haven't you ever seen those reality TV shows, "Who wants to marry a millionaire or any of those type of shows?"

"No mom, you don't let me watch TV because there are better things for me to do with my time, and dad doesn't let me watch reality TV because it shows 'the dregs of society with the loosest morals possible'".

"Well those are the people that would answer a flyer about a marriage proposal"

"And Ken would want to marry one of those types of people?"

"As it was mentioned earlier; princes are bred for looks, not personality."

"Whatever, just continue with the story"

"Finished with Kinko's, he walked around the mall looking for some attractive person to take to the ball. Because he became bored in the mall, Ken went into the "Virgin" music store to pick up a CD. That's were he saw Matt.  
Matt was not a prince; Matt was not a princess; Matt was not a peasant; Matt was just Matt- really. To pay his way though college, Matt worked at the "Virgin" store; he wasn't a prince, so he actually needed skills. Although his sister had the tendency to be a bitch, Matt had a decent family life. There were no stepparents or stepsiblings; his real parents were really nice. In actuality, Matt had a fairly easy life; his just couldn't afford another financial burden."

"Ken-"

"I want to hear more about Matt!" My daughter demanded.

"Matt was your average nineteen- year-old boy. He was five-foot-eleven, and had brown hair and brown eyes. Although he would rather be a musician he was majoring in mathematics at the local college."

"Was he smart?"

"He was about a B student."

"What else?" She looked at me expectantly.

"He is a character in a fairytale; there is nothing else you need to know".

"What were his hopes and dreams; what were his fears, and secrets?"

"He is a one dimensional character put in a story to move the plot along," I said, sounding exasperated.

My daughter just blinked at me and shrugged.

"Ken found Matt really attractive; the perfect mate for a fairy tale prince. Ken was touched by how normal and well-adjusted Matt seemed. Although he worked the "Virgin" store, Ken could tell by looking that Matt obviously wasn't one. They talked for fifteen minutes and Ken made up his mind he was going to invite Matt to the ball! Ken finished buying his CD and went right back home. He was careful to avoid any bears or wolfs along the way."There was no need to make his story more complicated, I thought to myself.

"Ken knew Matt was the right one after fifteen minutes? Isn't that superficial?" My daughter asked.

"Yes, but that's how fairytales work…"

"That's stupid".

"Matt was so excited, this is the first time a prince had ever shown interest in him. After telling his roommate, a football player, Matt found himself locked in the closet. Aside from being a football player, Matt's roommate Jeff was also a full Sunday Baptist, and didn't think Matt should be so excited about the young prince."

"But if he were really a Christian wouldn't he have chosen a more peaceful way to act"

My mouth dropped a bit. I always took pride that my seven-year-old daughter was smart, but this shocked me. Other than the fact she was speaking with wisdom that some sixty year olds can't manage, she also put it very eloquently.

"You're right honey, but where did you hear that from". I said wondering how my precocious child picked that up from.

"They were talking about it on TV and Sue's parents got into a fight over it".

My friend Sue was very liberal and married a conservative protestant; they managed to stay married for five years before our friends Ken and Matt had their commitment ceremony. That's when her husband showed his true colors.

"Due to spending a large amount of time there in high school, Matt was less than thrilled to be stuck in the closet once more. After exhausting every possibility, Matt gave up every hope of ever making it to the ball. Even though Matt had tried opening the door many times before this, he decided to try once more. Miraculously, Matt pushed the door open and came face to face with his fairy godmother, well fairy person anyways, Johnny. With his fairy powers, Johnny gave Matt the three gifts of the fairy: the gift of style, the gift of grace, and the gift of dance"

"Mom, isn't that a stereotype."

"Yes sweetie, but in this case it actually has some truth."

"With his newfound assets Matt was sure to impress the Price. Johnny wasn't done yet, he offered to turn Matt's pet beta Adam into a llama."  
Well he was a fairy not a god after all.

Matt kindly declined and started off for the party. Arriving at the party by 11, he decided to stay an hour and hang out with the host. Because he had a final in the morning, Matt knew he had to be economical with his time.

Having spent the entire night waiting for the interesting boy he met at the record store to arrive, he too had given up hope of a reunion. An intriguing stranger walked into the ball. Although he wasn't wearing the "Virgin" uniform that Matt had on earlier Ken still found the stranger familiar and attractive. The two danced the night away-or at least the hour his stranger had"

"Ken really didn't know it was Matt?"

"That's what happens when you don't make strong first impressions".

"But Ken knew Matt was the one for him when he met him at the record store."

"Sometimes in a new setting and under different social constructs people can appear to be a completely different person than the one you thought you knew upon first meetings"

"Why didn't they exchange numbers at the mall?"

"Meeting at a ball is much more romantic."

"God, people in fairytales are stupid!"

Use this as an example for when you meet someone and decide it's true love. Most of the time after getting to know the person better you might realize that the romantic notions in your head were misplaced. When you're looking for someone and feel you are under a time constraint you are at risk of idealizing the person. Its very harmful for you, especially if you try to make that person become the image you have of them in your head"

"Mom, we're talking about the fairytale, not your dating history".

"It was almost time for Ken to announce whom he was going to marry when Matt looked up at the clock and realized he had to leave. Ken turned to him and smiled just as he took off running. Trying to stop his newfound love from disappearing, Ken grabbed onto the first thing he could. Matt paid him no mind and ran off leaving just his Ipod in Ken's hand."

"That makes no sense. Who would bring their Ipod to a ball?"

"He didn't want to leave it where his roommate could steal it"

"But his roommate was a fanatical right wing Christian! He wouldn't steal!"  
"Ignore the incongruities in the plot. It's not supposed to make sense." I explained to my daughter.

"Kind of like how I speak with inflated language for a seven-year-old?"

"No you just were literate at an early age due to Mozart being played while you were in the uterus, and your father and I reading War in Peace to you as a bedtime story", I explained franticly.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night."

"Ken had no choice but to tell his parents what had happened. At first they were disappointed that Ken hadn't found a nice princess to marry, but then they remembered what their weird distant cousin Chuck had picked for a bride, so they let it go. Besides, this boy obviously had a lot of disposable income if he could run off without his Ipod- those things were not cheap. The best part of the whole situation is they got more publicity now, because they had to conduct a search to find the love of his son's life.

After getting an A on his exam, Matt retreated back into his room, and realized how messed up his life became after the ball. Because he flirted with a customer, he was fired from his job."

Once again my daughter interrupted with a question.

"Why would they fire him for trying to make a connection with his one true love, or whatever rubbish he and Ken were feeding themselves"

"That could be construed as sexual harassment later."

"What really bothered Matt was that he lost his new Ipod, which had all his weird obscure music on it- that little thing was expensive. What was worse, Matt's roommate was still disgusted by the idea of living with a gay man, and had taken to lacking Matt up in the closet whenever he though Matt was starring too intently.

That is precisely what happened when Prince Ken knocked on the door searching for the owner of the Ipod; the prince had gone all around the neighborhood comparing people's song preferences to the memory of the Ipod. Now that he was at the last address, Ken was almost out of hope"

"Why does he give up so easily?" My daughter inquired.

"He doesn't know real conflict, so he therefore never had to learn perseverance."

"Oh, that works"

"Instead of turning away when Matt's roommate opened the door, Ken started to question the football player. Seeing the computer in the corner, Ken proceeded to probe the files. Having seen Ken before he knew why he was here, Matt's roommate decided to save Matt's eternal soul- by removing the temptation to sin from his life.

Upon realizing the files matched the Ipod's play list, Ken had thought he found his love. Albeit Ken had found his love's room, he was erroneous in his attempt to diagnose which person. As he leaned in to kiss his love's roommate the football player panicked and grabbed Matt's guitar off the bed. Just as the young prince was about to be knocked unconscious Matt burst out of the closet, the force of the door hitting the roommate in his solar plexus and forcing him to fall backward.

Ken saw Matt and immediately knew whom he was, both from the party and the store, but decided not to declare his undying love. Ken instead asked Matt on a date.

"But I thought he was under a time constraint"

"Ken's parents decided to back down on the who marriage issue. Since Ken had missed the first deadline, there was no real reason for pushing the issue. Ken's Step-Mother was also concerned if the two young men rushed into a relationship too quickly it would end the same way as Ken's father's first marriage. A castle only has so many towers to imprison exes."

"So what happened after the date?"

" Given the nature of their meeting and all the problems that arose after, the date was a bit awkward. The two decided to remain friends and pursue other relationships. After a few months of running into each other at parties and social events the two realized they were better matched then they originally thought. They gave their relationship a second chance and fell deeply and truly in love."

"Then what?"

The two entered a committed relationship and stayed faithful to each other for a few years before they were married and they lived happily ever after. Eventually Ken became King and Matt also King. They ruled over the country in peace; they didn't pay any mind to the religious fanatics and the idiots in the country next door."

"After that?" My daughter asked excitedly.

"What do you mean?"

"What happens after the happily ever after?"

"That's it, it's happily ever after until they die."

"Why?"

"Because that's the way fairytales end."

"Did Matt finish school? Was Ken a good king?"

"Yes Matt finished school, he went on to win a Nobel Prize for his work with the number Upsilon, and its application in mathematical equations. He also formulated many equations explaining why stories have plot holes. Ken was a stellar king and he changed the laws forcing princes to marry; he also allowed same sex couples the same rights as heterosexual couples."

"What about the roommate?"

"He walked away with a concussion and moved across the border. He founded the Westboro Baptist Church."

"Did Ken's mom ever come out of the tower?"

"No! Is there anything else you want to know about the story?"

"No, but I find your characters one dimensional and I am disheartened to see that the characters so superficially drawn out"

"You always were a precocious child."

"I take music and art in school it helps my mind grow, and my imagination flourish."

Better to have an overly advanced seven-year-old, then an average child filled with silly ideals of princes and happily ever after. I wonder if she'll tell her daddy this story when he comes to pick her up; even more so, I wonder what type of fairy tale he would tell her.

I felt good about the fairytale. It was based on the only real relationship that I knew of that ever ended happily ever after, and this story at least had some hint of realism. No one riding off into the sunset with someone they hardly knew.


End file.
